november 28, 2020 08:24 pm

i wrote and recorded another song the other day. i’ve been writing and recording a lot lately, chipping away at a few new releases that i have on the horizon. i don’t think this one in particular is going to make it onto any of them, obviously not everything that falls out of my stupid little brain does. it’s called pretending to stare out at the sea (carlsbad, ca 2006) and it’s about a teenage memory.

secretly leave the coffee shop
walk the avenue
make our way to the beach
your head resting on my knee
pretending to stare out at the sea
and i don’t know where anything goes
i don’t know where anything goes
i don’t know where anything goes
i don’t know where anything goes

i don’t like the weekends like i used to
show me all the weakness that i show to you
because i don’t know where anything goes
i don’t know where anything goes
there’s a man above us watching you perform
i bet he feels so alone

november 14, 2020 06:07 pm

california’s finally been getting colder. the shift feels like it happened all at once, like i blinked and suddenly it’s dark and my hands are cold. this shift in weather has always taken a toll on my anxiety, i guess it’s the familiarity with those sensations and how closely they’re tied to other things in my brain. my body knows what it’s like to shake, and my hands are so used to being cold.

i’ve been really busy these last couple months. i did a live performance on zoom, which is very unlike me, but it was for a good cause benefiting a longtime friend. you can see a clip from that night here. later i did an interview, which is also very unlike me. the interview was framed around the pandemic from the perspective of an agoraphobe. really interesting stuff. it isn’t published yet, but i’ll be sure to post about it somewhere once it is. i don’t remember much about it, but i think it’ll be an interesting read.

shortly after, i began work on the new wishing ep. it was written, recorded, and released in just a few weeks. i’m really proud of how it came out, i really do love working with christian and i’m glad we’re still doing the project. if you haven’t heard it yet, you can listen to it here. it’ll be up on spotify in about a week.

and still, after all of that, all i want to do is create something. to move onto the next thing. i still love writing and recording so much, every time i do it i get the same feeling i did over ten years ago. starting and finishing songs just feels so natural. i’ve been feeling it especially lately. maybe i just need something to focus on, something to cushion the blow of november. i don’t really like november much since last year. i still miss my dad a lot everyday.

last night i wrote a very sweet little song. it isn’t about my father. just a nice recording done very quickly on a multitrack recorder in my office. i actually like the lyrics a lot for something i jotted down in my phone and recorded directly after. the chorus is a reference to an old memory. when i was a kid (and well into my young adult years actually), every time i heard the song believe by cher i always thought the lyrics said, “do you believe in love after love”. i’d sing along to it as a child, and even in the car with friends as a teenager, always getting the words wrong. it wasn’t until i was in my twenties, well into my agoraphobia, that i looked up the lyrics and realized what they actually said.

and that’s… really the extent of it. it’s just a cute and nostalgic thought. the concept of love represented not by romance, but by a distant memory you can’t quite get back to. a time spent with people you no longer know, going places you no longer can, singing songs you don’t know the words to.

enjoy the song, thank you so much for reading and listening. be well.

wake up tired
sometime before noon
it’s stuck on my mind 
something i told you

i’m sorry that i do
things i don’t want to

do you believe in love
it feels like a memory of a cher song
do you believe in love
i’m scratching my eyes out 
come over to my house

everything’s empty
i am a part of what you lack
tell me i’m crazy
put up a wall i cannot pass

do you believe in love
i want us to listen to that cher song
do you believe in love
i’m scratching my eyes out

september 05, 2020 08:24 pm

i’ve been sketching out ideas and working on songs for the next flatsound full length. i don’t know whether this song will be on it or not, but i guess that’s just part of the process when creating an album. you write a lot of songs, record some of them, and see which ones fit into the bigger story that you’re trying to tell. i don’t know what this story is just yet, not entirely. but in my head it’s very chaotic. it’s an intimate memory interrupted by the static of an intrusive thought.

here’s a song called chamomile that i wrote last month. i hope you enjoy it.

great, isn't it great
to be held like your sisters baby
hate, you said you hate
when i just lay there like an empty body
but i don't listen and i don't care
i don't like it so get me out of here
i don't listen and i don't care
the smell of smoke
the taste of chamomile

i don't listen and i don't care
i don't like it so get me out of here
it's all so distant and i'm so scared
the smell of smoke
the taste of chamomile

oh no, think i'm in trouble
ten long years inside of this bubble
ha ha, look at him struggle
fuck my mouth and feed me your knuckles
oh no, everything crumbles
you found me inside of the rubble
ha ha, look at me struggle
begging for help from someone who's dead
i'm trying to decipher things that you said
but they only exist inside of my head
so no, i don't want to be calm anymore

august 21, 2020 01:18 am

what a sleepy day. i stayed up too late last night and accidentally crossed that horrible little threshold where you can’t quite get to sleep because your body is starting to tell you to wake up. so you lay there frustrated, tossing and turning in the night, pushing away from the quiet demand to start a day you aren’t ready for yet. eventually managing to get just enough rest to spend the next day in a haze. that’s where i am now. i’m in the haze.

still, i somehow managed to get my steps in.

for about a month or so now i’ve been walking a minimum amount of steps per day. it’s nothing too impressive, but definitely a noticeable shift compared to the sedentary lifestyle that i’ve slowly grown accustomed to. that and i’ve been exercising, and genuinely trying to eat more. i even bought a scale. something that i’ve been too afraid to own for years. but there it is, taking up space on my bathroom floor. and here i am, placing all of myself onto it multiple times a day and reading that glowing number.

all of this is part of some desensitization therapy that i’ve been doing lately. well, it’s not quite desensitization. the added physical exertion is supposed to help my body release adrenaline naturally and in appropriate amounts throughout the day so that it doesn’t build up inside of me and get set off randomly like it usually does. then, in the exhausted resting periods in between, i’m supposed to practice inner safety techniques. the two together are meant to reset the inappropriate chemical releases in my brain.

so that’s what i’ve been doing. i exercise, and eat, and practice inner safety. i think, and feel, and allow. and i walk. and i walk. and i walk. building up a sense of strength that i haven’t known for a very long time. not just in my body, but in the belief that it can withstand the weight of anything pushing against it as it moves forward through the current. like a fog so thick you can feel it on your skin, or the pelting of heavy stones broken from a jagged boulder that i could never move without cutting my hands. the pieces seemingly become smaller and more rounded as they bounce off of me. but still, i walk, and i let them hit me. one by one.

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i wrote a song recently that i really like, it’s called it always gives you a chance to run before it attacks you. it’s a simple acoustic song. a song about love. it also has a lot of words, which i always like. i hope you enjoy it.

go ahead and work with your hands
form the calluses that harden them
and start molding something new out of clay
and in the dead of night it'll take a shape
just don't call me indescribable
because it makes me uncomfortable
i just wanted for you to find your way
without me 
could you do it without me
because you want something i can't be

so promise me you'll work on yourself
don't waste all that love on someone else
because there's always something new in the way
sometimes i make a friend
just to make mistakes
so don't call me indescribable
because it makes me uncomfortable
i just wanted for you to find your way
and i've always had this fear that i'm
not real enough to be described
so i'm learning to adapt to everything
but i don't know if you want to
fall in love with a costume
i guess there's nothing to stop you
because doesn't it all go back to the way it has to
it always gives you a chance to run before it attacks you

so show me what you made with your hands
i treat the memory like contraband 
and keep it in a dark hidden cave
but eventually it wants to see the day

that’s why i'm welcoming a wandering eye
it's the assurance that you'll be alright
if i wake up one day and decide
that the distance is more like a dimming light
because everything is just a compromise
between the out of touch and the stuck inside
and i'm stuck inside
but doesn't it all go back to the way it has to
it always gave you a chance to run when it didn't have to

july 17, 2020 06:36 pm

i’ve been making lists again as suggested by my therapist. things to accomplish through the day. something in front of me to focus on so that the negative thoughts don’t take over. it’s actually been helping a lot. it’s nice starting my morning writing different tasks on a bunch of sticky notes and pressing them to the side of my computer monitor. there’s something really satisfying about getting through one and tearing it off and…i don’t know. i’m feeling okay lately. good and productive and hopeful. i hope anyone out there reading this is feeling the same.

anyway, i wrote a song last week called palindrome. it kind of reminds me of old flatsound. simple, hushed, intimate, and with a heavy focus on the lyrics. i really do love writing lyrics. i’ve been writing a lot of them lately. my life is so much busier now compared to when i started flatsound but in many ways creating art feels the same. when i started i just wanted to prove, above anything else, that i was a good writer. ten years later and i’m just happy that i still have things to say. and melodies in my head, and metaphors that i’m able to find some kind of meaning in.

enjoy the song. i’m eternally grateful for anyone who takes the time to listen to the things i make, and feel endlessly lucky to know that some listen so attentively that they see pieces of themselves in it. thank you.

start the day off with a weight
and stomach pain
turn away
a simple call for subtle change
but every day
feels the same

come to life
valentine
and walk beside me close
come to life
little thoughts of mine
the ones that i love most

i’m walking in circles where my dad
used to stand among the plants and
they’re growing taller than i can
up the wall
over the fence

my hands are high
they grab the vines
and begin to climb the post
why have i begun
where i started from
it’s a palindrome i wrote
i want leaving to feel like
i’m coming home

so i’ve gotta try
i’ll try
i promise to try
because with you and i
in the night
i feel fine
with just you and i
in the night
i feel fine