i haven’t been going out as much as i should be. even little forced outings are hard. not that they’re physically hard to do, or that they give me too much anxiety, i just can’t find the energy to do them. it isn’t the cold. it isn’t the rain. it’s more like the quiet heaviness that’s lives inside me. something that’s always been there. that thing in the background. sometimes i can’t describe why something scares me beyond the vague acknowledgement that it’s there and that i can feel it.
maybe the ten years away really did change me too much. people annoy me. instagram annoys me. i feel safe saying that here because very few people from there actually care enough about flatsound to check my website. i’m just the guy who wrote that poem they liked, and because of that they demand my attention. they want me to continue to inspire them, even in casual conversation. to give them special moments.
i get it, and i hope i don’t come off as someone who isn’t appreciative of what he has. i just can’t shake the feeling that even the nicest messages are rooted more in selfishness than thankfulness. that even the longest letters about me aren’t about me at all. i’ve been talking to my therapist about that a lot lately.
it’s all little stuff in the end. i hope the little stuff doesn’t bother me forever. i really am trying to integrate back into society. there’s just so much happening all the time, and i’m already so tired. i don’t want to discourage myself too much, or trick myself into thinking that getting better isn’t worth it if i’ve already found happiness in the isolation. i do that a lot.
i’m going to start writing here again. at least i’m going to try to. i feel connected to this place, i always have. not just as a website. i mean of course i feel connected to flatsound.org, i’m the one who made it. i guess i just feel connected to the idea of something being tucked away. hidden, but still accessible to anybody willing to look for it. or maybe i just like the idea of talking to myself. i do that a lot, too.
i love you. i’ve been saying that to more people lately. it feels good. i love you.